barbara walters just said penis...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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