His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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