I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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