i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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