the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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