THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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