i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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