i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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