Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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