I can't breathe out the right side of my face
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
