the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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