yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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