This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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