and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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