i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
