I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
