you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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