do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
