Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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