I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
