I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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