Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Randomize
