so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
