hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
