I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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