I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
