I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
