Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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