Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
