My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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