I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
