Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
