he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
