Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
