mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
