My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
