Jerry, you need to find god
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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