Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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