dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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