If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
