My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
