I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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