got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
