I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
