well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
