You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
