Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
