I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
