Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
