a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
